Soulbound Page 13

  I'll never be ready for it, but I can damn well try. Mayr offered a strained smile as Arieve stopped at his table, a leather-bound ledger in her hands. It might be the best wedding gift I can give Tash, even if he never realizes it. I still haven't told him…

  "Hey, stranger," Arieve greeted, her tone too warm to ignore. "I heard you were here." She eyed the chair beside him. "Where'd he go?"

  "Upstairs, doing his priestly thing."

  "Oh." Arieve's disappointed gaze fell, restless as she drew her fingertips along the table's edge. "So, umm… How many days till the wedding?"

  Mayr snorted. "I'm not keeping count."

  Arieve smirked, one of her delicate brows arched. "Right. I know you, remember?"

  Her burning stare obliterated his lie. "One hundred and twenty days," Mayr answered, his confidence drifting away.

  "Once a romantic, always bound by romance." Arieve tapped the table, the rhythm erratic as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. "And you're serious about it? Really serious?" She blushed and tugged on the collar of her sweater. "Never mind, ignore me. I'm full of terrible questions."

  Given her frazzled state, ignoring her was difficult. In the awkward silence between them, the essence of whatever bothered her hollered louder than any patron.

  They were saved by Tash, his return marked by mutual sighs of relief.

  Mayr all but jumped up. "All done?"

  "Yes." Tash stepped around Arieve to kiss Mayr, his eyes gleaming with laughter. "Everything's been cleansed and blessed. Whatever happens now is between them, Emeraliss, and anyone beside their room."

  "Behave," Mayr muttered, flicking his glance to Arieve.

  Tash spun towards Arieve. "Once more we're graced with your presence. It's always a joy."

  The hug Arieve gave him was timid and stiff. "Congratulations, again, both of you."

  "Thank you." Tash withdrew, his brow furrowed. "What's wrong?"

  "I'm… It's… fine. I'm fine."

  "You're not," Tash argued. He cast Mayr a doubtful look. "Neither of you hide your worries well. Please, Arieve, what do you need?"

  Fright danced over Arieve's features before hiding behind uncertainty. "It's complicated… and horrifyingly simple. It's so simple it's almost too complicated."

  Alarm lashed at Mayr. Had something happened to her, Orae, or another member of her family? "What's going on? Do I need to settle a score with someone? Fetch the best healer?"

  "What? No!" Arieve peered over her shoulder. "Follow me. Just… follow."

  With their winter clothes in their arms, Mayr and Tash stayed close to Arieve on their way through the crowd to the office in the back of the tavern. Small with bookshelves from floor to ceiling, the brightly lit office was tidy and smelled faintly of smoke from a pipe. A desk sat to the left of the room across from three chairs to the right. The window on the opposite wall was latched shut, the curtains drawn back to reveal the half-foot of snow on the windowsill.

  As Arieve closed the door, Mayr tossed his coat and cloak onto one chair then draped Tash's coats over them. When he turned towards the desk, Arieve was already laying down the ledger.

  "I guess it's no secret that Coye and me split again," she said, leaning against the desk. "I'm losing count of how many times that makes. We're never perfectly on-point. I always want more than I can have, or she wants less than I need to give." Her nonchalant shrug did nothing to ease her sorrowful expression. "It's not a lack of love. I feel it—I feel her—but there's always something keeping her back. Now I want to move on. I need to stop stalling my life because she can't trust me or her or make up her mind."

  Tash stepped forward. "There's nothing wrong with that," he said softly. "Sometimes it takes embracing the wrong things to recognize what's right."

  "Or what's never going to be there." Arieve swept aside the fringe of hair across her forehead. "Meanwhile, you've got yourselves figured out." A wistful smile curved her painted lips. "It took a while to find your match, Mayr. Now I'm hearing how far you intend to go. Grandmother was talking to your mother, teasing out the wedding details and your plans to start a family." A blush coloured her cheeks. "I also overheard your talk with Aeley the night of the proposal. I didn't mean to—it just happened."

  Mayr felt the blood drain from his face. "Arieve, what you heard—what I said—I didn't—"

  "What? Mean it?" Arieve bowed her head. "Don't tell me you didn't."

  "Well, no, I did. It's just…" Mayr looked to Tash, desperate for help. He was going to say all the wrong words, he knew it. "I don't know how much you heard, but it probably sounded odd, insensitive. Not even close to being socially correct."

  "A child that's yours is how I understood it. It couldn't get much more socially correct." Arieve gazed at the rugs beneath their feet as she fingered the worn edge of the desk. "Were you serious about it? You're sure you don't want to adopt?"

  "Yes," Tash answered, stepping towards Mayr.

  "If you can't have what you want, will you take that other option to feel fulfilled?"

  "Yes." Mayr drew close to Tash, the backs of their hands brushing. He needed the comfort of touch, to let Tash's essence ground him. There were too many silent questions screaming for an answer. "Though it might be the only option, because how many women would want to have a child with us?"

  Arieve's stare captured his. "I would."

  In two words, she slew his heart.

  In an instant, she changed the world.

  Tash gripped Mayr's wrist, hard enough to hurt. Out of shock, Mayr suspected, but perhaps it was to keep Mayr from running out the door.

  He needed to flee. He needed to hide. He needed something safer than standing in the same room with his other half and the woman he had given up on.

  This was not right. It made no sense.

  And he was cold, so cold. Lost, spinning out of calm thought and drowning in the realization that she was sincere. Arieve's features were drawn, pinched as she looked away. This was not a joke at his expense. This was the truth, simple and liable to tear into their friendship.

  Mayr snatched Tash's hand in both of his faster than he could understand what was happening.

  "You're not the only ones who want kids," Arieve said quietly, circling the toe of her boot over the floor. "I have for years, but Coye doesn't. Since I never wanted to give her up, it's always been a choice. I've always chosen her. Now I'd rather choose me than a relationship that keeps failing. I'd drop everything to have a child with you than have none at all." Her next smile was lopsided. "Considering I've crushed madly on you forever, I'd love to finally work out all these feelings I have. If you'd ever let me in that much."

  Mayr choked on breath alone. He sputtered and stumbled, fragments of words tumbling out in a mess of noise. "Arieve," was the only thing he said with certainty.

  Tash's arms wrapped around him, pulling him close before his knees could buckle.

  "Breathe," Tash whispered against his temple. "Hold onto me and breathe."

  Arieve pushed off the desk and rushed forward three steps, reaching for Mayr. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you this bad." She recoiled and drew into herself. "I don't know how to say any of this. I never have."

  Clamping Tash's arm with both hands, Mayr was at war with himself. Emotions and rational thought clashed in a painful raid. "What you're saying… I've got to be hearing it wrong. You and me, we've only ever been… and you called me family. We've always been separate, always at the wrong time—"

  "I know." Arieve worried her bottom lip. "There's been a lot of dancing around the truth. We're never quite right at the best times, but so perfect at the worst. You've always been my look-but-don't-touch. Mine to fix when you were hurt, and mine to lose when the world offered you better. Now I feel bad for even looking." She motioned to Tash. "Of all the men you could've had, the one you chose does all the right things…" Arieve cleared her throat and backed towards the desk. "Let's just say I'd be happy to help."

  "While that's
flattering," Tash said, "I'm trying to understand what I'm missing." He pressed his forehead to Mayr's temple. "I feel like I'm standing in a private moment that's not mine to have."

  Mayr stilled, alternating between focused and unfocused. His gaze clung to the paintings on the wall behind the desk: happy portraits of Arieve's family, including one of Orae's first husband and their two children beside the portrait of her second husband and all of Orae's six children. Each of Arieve's five aunts, four uncles, and twenty cousins appeared at least once in the paintings, most of them family portraits. Few members of their family remained in Dahena. Of those still alive, the majority chose to live in other villages in Gailarin, leaving Orae, Liele, Arieve, two of her aunts, and a hand count's worth of cousins to manage their family's property. Arieve's mother and father, Vilady and Elamare, owned a house near Dahena, but they were usually elsewhere. Both were tax collectors, though Elamare was also known as a purveyor of relics. They traveled as their jobs required and visited Dahena at least once a month, often after a visit to the tax clerks in High Council Hall.

  A glimpse at the painting of Vilady and Elamare on the leftmost edge only proved how much Arieve was like them. Elamare's hazel eyes were as green as Arieve's, and his long black-brown hair tumbled over his shoulders in tight curls and braids, decorated with yellow beads and orange ribbons that appeared all the brighter against his lovely black skin. Both Elamare and Arieve were bright souls with a sparkle in their spirit as if they were living stars or jewels. On top of it all, Arieve was blessed with her mother's tender perceptiveness, proud bearing, and golden brown complexion.

  Mayr's attention skipped over the other paintings to the top left corner. There hung his favourite portrait on the wall: the image of a young Arieve, no older than sixteen, with a smile that could light someone's entire world for all of their life. A life he had been certain they would never share. A life he had committed to someone else—one that could spiral into misery quicker than he could collapse.

  "I'm sorry," he whispered, clutching Tash tighter. "So sorry."

  Tash's breath skipped across Mayr's cheek. "For what?"

  "For not telling you everything," Mayr mumbled, "for never losing these feelings. I owe you better, and I've been a complete ass." He flushed beneath Tash's scrutiny. "I can't even say it now, even though you're here and she's here and this would be a great time to stop being foolish."

  Silent moments passed, weighted with his struggle to string words together as Tash's eyelashes fluttered against his skin.

  "Mayr," Tash murmured, "say it."

  "I don’t—"

  "Let go. If you can tell yourself what this actually is, you can tell me." Tash's fingertips glided down the back of Mayr's neck. "Say you have feelings for her and set yourself free."

  A chill raced down Mayr's spine. Small bumps rose along his skin where Tash touched. Words tumbled from his lips, slow and stiff. "I've had a… thing for her since we were kids, but we've never done anything." He turned his head, catching Tash's lips on his. "There was a line—a really good one—and—"

  A kiss silenced him, soft and smooth, without tongue, without command. A gentle kiss he would never tire of receiving. Compassion and hope in the embrace of restrained passion.

  "Thank you," Tash whispered. "You can stop fretting now. You don't need to apologize." He cupped Mayr's cheek. "You needn't hide. I've got you."

  "But—"

  "You'd challenge a servant of Emeraliss?" Tash arched one brow. "I'm the last one to scold the inconvenience of love, which is exactly what this sounds like." He glanced at Arieve.

  Arieve hunched her shoulders. "Since I was sixteen, I figured if I committed myself to any man they'd have to be like Mayr. Then he married Betta…" She let out a long sigh. "I was so disappointed, enough that when she left him, I was pleased. Pleased, like I was full of myself and happy to be cruel. Then I found out why she'd left and I wanted to rip her apart. I wanted to tell him what I felt, but I didn't have the courage to even flirt with him, let alone confess."

  "And I put it out of my thoughts." Mayr leaned into Tash. "I hurt too much to do anything after Betta. It wasn't worth ruining our friendship."

  "Yet it's come back around," Tash said. "Maybe that's the whole point."

  More silence, almost deafening in what it did not say.

  Arieve approached but stopped two paces away. "As much as I'd like to continue this—as long as I've waited to hear it—I have to get back to work. I just needed to tell you we all want the same thing. Instead of waiting for someone to fill the gap, we could try having it together." Hesitant, she reached for Mayr and Tash. She settled one hand on each of them. "I'm not involved with anyone. I want to get pregnant and wouldn't mind the fooling around it takes to get there. It wouldn't have to be permanent. I'm not looking to destroy your marriage. Consider it friends helping one another, and we'll leave your marriage intact. We'll protect it."

  Before Mayr could answer, she withdrew her hand. "It's ideal too. Since I work at the estate, you'll be around for the pregnancy, and after, I'll be around to parent. It's better than consigning ourselves to what we don't want."

  "Why us?" Mayr asked, his mouth dry. "Why not someone else?"

  "Other than the fact I've always dreamed of kissing you?" Arieve drew her fingertips across her lips. "I trust you. I don't want to be with someone who'll resent having a family or use a child against me. I don't mind being a single mother, but I also don't want to use a guy to have a baby without their agreement." She tapped Mayr's shaking hand. "I've adored you for years. I'm not asking to get married, I'm not demanding anything, but I can't ignore this. It's like fate's stepped in and hijacked opportunity."

  With a gentle smile, she moved to the door. "The two of you can think about it. Whenever you have your answer, whatever it is, you know where to find me."

  In Mayr's mind, the quiet sound of the door closing behind her was as jarring as a hammer striking the wall. He blinked, unable to focus on anything but the floor. How could he even begin to fathom what had just happened?

  "We should go," Tash suggested, tugging Mayr's hand until he reluctantly agreed to follow. Without words, they dressed in their coats and cloaks, the brown-black fur capelet of Mayr's cloak still damp. Donning their scarves and gloves, they left the office and wove their way through the tavern to the front door.

  Cold, dry gusts greeted them outside. The snow had not let up since their arrival, descending upon the village in large flakes. A group of youths shuffled past the bakery on the other side of the road, singing wintertide carols off-tune and trudging through the foot of snow. They tossed snowballs through the air, resulting in pelted victims and peals of laughter.

  Meanwhile, Mayr's world had flung itself into a stop.

  In-step with Tash as they trod the flattened path left by the wheels of a wagon, Mayr dug his hands into his pockets. Snow crunched beneath their boots, echoing his grinding thoughts.

  After all the years, after all the doubt, he could have told Arieve he loved her and that would have been enough.

  I really know how to ruin things. Mayr glimpsed Tash from the corner of his eye, barely seeing Tash's face around the red hood of Tash's cloak. Why do I always sabotage the things I have?

  "I can read your worries from here," Tash said, moving closer to grasp Mayr's hand. "Talk to me."

  "This is where you're supposed to be angry," Mayr mumbled. "You should be disgusted, unsettled, lecturing me on disrespect." He glanced at their clasped hands. "Not being so perfect and loving and nice."

  "Hey." Tash pulled Mayr to a stop and faced him, his brow furrowed. "What have I ever done to make you think I'd react otherwise?"

  Mayr shrank back, huddling into the warmth of his coat. "I wasn't honest with you. Of all things, you prefer honesty. I let you down. I wanted to tell you how I feel about her, but I couldn't. Then you found out like that…" His gaze dropped to the hand with his marriage ring. "The timing couldn't be worse."

  Tash gripped Ma
yr's arms. "Mayr, I encourage honesty in all things, but I don't demand it. Everyone has secrets—from themselves, from their loves, from the world. It's in our nature, how we were put together. Sometimes the truth is so far we can't grasp it. You know love is sneaky," he said softly. "It seeps into our hearts and sets things into motion without our command. We can deny it and lock it away, but it yells and fights and bangs on the walls until it wins. Even if chance and circumstance get in the way, love eventually comes to light."

  "But—"

  Tash's cold hands cupped Mayr's cheeks. "You did nothing wrong. I have not been slighted. I don't feel any less loved." A smile softened his features, his eyes gleaming in the faint moonlight. "Truth be told, I feel more loved." He took Mayr's hand in both of his and kissed the back of Mayr's fingers. "You could have sought her. You could have turned me away, but you didn't. For that I am yours, come all complications and embarrassing moments that make you stammer and struggle."

  Heat swept through Mayr's cheeks. "Now you're just making fun of me."

  The grin Tash gave in reply twisted knots in Mayr's gut. "It makes me laugh, I'll admit." Tash brushed snow from the tip of Mayr's nose. "You're unspeakably ravishing when you're flustered. When your emotions get too far ahead of your words and you can't catch up." His fingertips settled on Mayr's lips. "It's like falling in love with you all over again."

  Mayr swallowed hard, painfully aware of the effect Tash's touch had on him. Perhaps he could salvage the night after all. "Yeah?"

  "Yes. Besides, she's cute. Your taste in women isn't entirely different from my own."

  "Sounds like you're trying to say something."

  "That I understand, for one. How you can care for someone and be afraid to admit it. I can't fault you for that, especially when what we have fell prey to the same thing," Tash said quietly. "I don't have a need to be angry, or the right. You're so patient with my love for Inesta, and I won't complain about your feelings for Betta or Arieve. You're allowed to feel something. I never demanded you give that up."